In the immediate aftermath of my last breakup over one year ago, I was overflowing with feelings and words around my experiences, to the point where I was so suffocated by them that I felt like I could barely form a sentence. (Instead I managed to form many. I don’t know if I’ve ever spent as much time processing a breakup before. There just wasn’t as much to say about my past breakups. They were often mutual, ill-fitting, sometimes defined by a clumsy but normal mistake. I had to fight for this one, and I think that’s why the aftereffects lingered.) Nowadays I feel more tight-lipped about it, reticent to reflect too much lest it seem like a sign that I haven’t moved on, or else something which would exhaust others to keep hearing about. But there was a unique aspect to moving on from the breakup that I have never experienced before, something which I’d never read or heard about from friends or anyone else. After a recent conversation of a newly polyamorous friend I felt like it would help to put all of it into words.
Break-ups have a familiar pattern to them, narratives that we tell each other over and over again in literature, whether dumper or dumpee. You’re freed. You spend time mourning what was lost, processing everything that happened, and depending on your dedication to rom-com tropes you eat a lot of ice cream, then you reconnect with your friends and/or get a haircut and move on, sometimes to be single for a while, sometimes on to a new relationship.
Within polyamory, that model breaks down. The pattern is similar, but shifts beneath you in unforeseen ways. People warn you about jealousy in polyamory as if it was the only problem to ever navigate, the root of all sins, but there’s so much more to get your head around than that.
The lessons I learnt here are not cleanly laid out, but moving on is not a clean experience. It’s messy, and you just take what you can and run with it. Continue reading
It’s been hard to maintain my prior goals of personal writing recently as I’ve adjusted to my new workplace. Partly because my laptop died, which was my primary way of writing, partly because a chunk of writing energy has been reserved for my new workplace.
I’ve written about 9 corporate blog posts by this point! The process for those is very different for the one I go through putting my own thoughts together, and I still feel very shy about it and hyper-critical, although I think I’m getting better at it. They’re mostly informational.
Otherwise, I’m surviving. It’s a little bit overrated sometimes but hopefully as I keep working on things I’ll be able to get back to more than that soon. Not working on anything has me feeling incomplete.
Thanks for reading.
Those who know me would probably find it unsurprising to know that my current favourite pop music artist, Montaigne, goes by a stage name inspired by the french philosopher who made essays popular, and wears shirts that say ANALYSE YOUR WEAKNESSES. As a literature nerd who aspires to emotional awareness, I’m aware that I can be something of a niche audience, and yet somehow, here I have been blessed with pop music of a broad appeal that actually ticks those boxes for me, and for that I am so incredibly stoked.
Montaigne is an absolute star, awarded as “Next Big Thing” by FBi Radio’s SMAC awards in 2015 and “Best Breakthrough Artist” in the 2016 ARIAs, a hype train that I’m sure will only gather even greater momentum as we see more from her. I very rarely resonate so strongly with a musician’s branding as much as I do with Montaigne’s right now, so it seems fitting to share my love for her music by writing an incredibly self-indulgent essay on one of her songs. Continue reading
I’ve been roleplaying a lot lately. One ongoing game is a tabletop that uses the Masks system, and while creating a character for it, I wrote a little chapter of sorts to set the scene for my character’s individual plotline. In the end, while creating a hero to the template of “The Doomed” – an archetype in Masks in which a character has something of a clock worked into the mechanics, ticking down to a violent and untimely demise – I accidentally recreated Jet Li’s The One plot for myself in the game. So, I should actually sit down and watch that sometime before the end of this game and see what I do or don’t like about it so that I have a better idea of what I want out of playing through that concept. Considering how well-known it seems to be by everyone but myself, as well, I feel like I should have that cultural reference under my belt.
In the meantime I thought I’d upload what I wrote here. It was a fun exercise if nothing else, nice to be inspired by the roleplaying system so directly. Continue reading
A personal update to add to the self-indulgently themes of my last blog posts. Continue reading
There were a few ongoing themes in the bad relationship I was in last year, things I never thought I would normally get caught out by beforehand. I discovered the hard way just how much I missed warning signs when I didn’t want to hear them, and it took me a surprising amount of time to catch up and realise what was going on. Continue reading
Knowing what to say and whether it’s worth saying at all it is a challenge I don’t think I’ll ever be done with. It seems a good place to start with on this post, as the things I navigate in life often give me a sense of external pressure to not speak up about them from my own perspective, especially in recent times. I’ve been out of a bad relationship for about three months now, and though it felt like I was done with it from the day after it was over, I still find myself with a lot to say about it, and not sure who I want to say it to. Continue reading