A personal update to add to the self-indulgently themes of my last blog posts.

I’m not sure how to vocalise my current status and goals in terms of creativity. I intend to keep building until I have things to be proud of, but my priorities remain in flux. I’ve gained a new job in data entry/administration, and adjusting to the new workplace and keeping my support networks intact is my most major goal. I have actively given myself permission to put all creative desires aside in order to do this.

It is difficult to talk to people working in creative industries in this current state. A popular response to my current state of life from others in better economic positions to me is to give advice – as though the space I am in is one which is inviting it. I am not producing work that seemingly validates me as a creative spirit (or maybe it’s that I’m not getting paid enough to justify the compromises I have made), therefore, the assumption is that I must be seeking advice in order to achieve what they think I ought to be doing based on my perceived intelligence. With no exception, I find that advice patronising and lacking in insight.

Everyone who engages me on this level does so because they believe that I am capable of more. I can see the compliment in it, even as the conversations inevitably inspire negative emotions in me which are exactly the opposite of what the advice-givers are usually trying to inspire. What those conversations often miss is that the goal that I currently have – to build my sense of safety and self – is one that consumes a lot of time and energy from me, and right now, I consider nothing more important.

Creativity is frequently an expression of my sense of spirit, whatever that is, but while my spirit is malnourished, I cannot exercise it. When anxiety builds walls and mountains in my mind, I am frequently too busy deconstructing those walls to produce things. My life, my time, and my goals are as worthwhile in this task as they are in achieving anything else. I reinforce this more for myself than anyone else, but I do think that ambition is rated too highly in society right now, and there is a rebellious part of me that wants nothing to do with it, simply because so many people in my life seem to believe that it should consume me. I want to choose what consumes me, and sometimes I want to choose to not be consumed.

I will continue, at my own pace, to practice producing things regardless of whether or not I have the inspiration for it, although some of that practice is put on hold by things like the death of my computer. It may take me months to save up the money for a new one. I’m trying to see this as an opportunity to focus on creative interests outside of digital art and media, but I won’t lie; it’s difficult not to see it as a barrier to achievement rather than an opportunity, and even more difficult still to admit that even without that ‘barrier’, I would likely not get far on old projects anyway.

I’m not sure how much of that last idea is a realistic admittance of current weaknesses that I would like to overcome, and how much is a depressive pessimism that is in itself a barrier to creating. This thought itself could be a cyclical process or self-fulfilling prophecy. So, the current need for self-indulgence having been achieved, I will move on.

I am satisfied practising putting thoughts into the world. Next step is practising putting them out without needing to put disclaimers on to justify their presence first.

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